April 9, 2021 – Los Angeles
I lie awake a lot at night. Just staring at the ceiling and thinking about things. Sometimes I’m alone and sometimes I’m not, but it doesn’t change the fact that my life is full of these restless nights. I think about the mistakes I’ve made in the past and the bigger mistakes I’ve often made when trying to rectify those. I struggle to wrap my head around the fact that I’m in one of Netflix’s most streamed new shows, but that I have to share that honor with someone else from SCW who did less than 1 percent of what I did for that project. I agonize over missed opportunities and dwell over things that will probably never come.
It’s amazing that I don’t look more fatigued. On the outside I’m always putting my best face forward. But on the inside, there’s a powder keg of emotions that is a spark away from blowing up. I’ve always been so self-destructive, my own worst enemy at every turn. I’m always searching for that outlet that will keep me from reaching that point of no return. It’s only been a few months since the last time I royally fucked up everything in my life. So maybe that’s why I was so attracted to an offer David Helms made me.
Ok, maybe attracted isn’t the right word. As I sat inside the locker room of the Living Dangerously Dojo and stared down at my Nike shoes, I thought hard about why I was even here. The whole idea of being asked to train someone. I’m surprised at this point that I’m even still here. A night ago I lost a match and had a public meltdown of sorts. Without Cookie… I don’t even know. Dave had seen me when I showed up today to personally train one of his students, but he didn’t go out of his way to come and talk with me.
My attention was grabbed by the only other person in the women’s lockers. Some girl down the way stood in tights and a sports bra top. Her tattoos displayed prominently on her arms, a few on her torso too. I rarely showed mine in public, but I’d been training in a similar kit recently that showed the roses on my right shoulder and the ones that peaked out from under my tights on my left hip. The girl caught me staring for the moment and sneered at me. I sneered back at her and I swore I heard her mumble something explicit about me as she left the room for the gym floor.
No matter where I went, I just never fit in perfectly. I wasn’t some missing piece to a puzzle that could be slid into the right spot for a perfect, harmonious picture. I knew everything about me was complicated. It was the people around me who just couldn’t seem to accept it. Most of them couldn’t accept me.
When I finally dragged myself out of the locker rooms I saw Dave talking to the very same girl I’d just had an encounter of sorts with. I started to walk toward one of the ring setups but Dave caught my glance and waved me his way. I stopped where I stood and took in the situation. There was no way in hell, THAT girl was the one I was here to work with, right? A girl that looked like she would appear in the dictionary next to the phrase “hot mess?” Before I even started walking that way I knew that it would be the case. The girl who had almost certainly just called me a bitch and thought I didn’t hear her – or knew I did and didn’t care – was going to be my first student.
David: Jordan. I want to introduce you to the student I had in mind for you. This is Valentina.
Neither I or this girl said anything. I had a polite smile painted across my face. She just stared at me with that same unimpressed look.
Jordan: Oh?
She smirked. I knew in that instant that this Valentina chick was every bit the smart ass I knew I could be. Maybe more for all I knew. I had read the situation before I approached and it was written all over my face. And she knew it.
David: Valentina is pretty talented, just needs to figure out a few things here and there and I think she could really do something in the ring.
Jordan: So what makes you think I can help her?
The girl laughed softly when I said it. She turned away in an attempt to hide it, but the damage was done. Dave stopped himself from immediately responding and shot me a knowing look. Something told me this girl could be a handful, but maybe Dave thought I could handle that. Maybe Dave didn’t know me half as well as he thought. I crossed my arms as I looked at him.
David: I think the two of you have some real similarities in style. Ring style I mean.
There was no denying that Valentina and I did not have the same style elsewhere.
David: But there’s some things I think you could show her that help her take it to the next level.
Jordan: Ok, yeah. I could do that. We could work a bit and see what I can help with.
David: Ok! Well, great! I can leave you two to it then… anything you need from me?
Jordan: Uh, yeah. Can I talk to you for a second?
Dave nodded and stepped off to the side for a moment. I waited until it looked like we were far enough away from Valentina that she couldn’t hear us and then I let out a sigh and shook my head at him.
Jordan: Really, man? This girl? You think her and I have anything in common?
David: Well, I’m not asking for you to become best friends, tag partners, and travel the world together. Who knows if she will ever make it in the business, let alone SCW. But I think she could learn something from you and you could learn something from her.
Jordan: What the hell am I supposed to learn from her?
David: Responsibility?
Jordan: What are you? My dad?
David: Come on doll, I’m not that old. And that’s not what this is about. You need something to help remind you about the good things. Take last night for example…
I sighed and looked down as soon as Dave brought up the night before. I’d left him hanging on Breakdown. He didn’t seem thrilled.
David: The more I think about it, the more I think I’m right that you just need to get your head straight. You need to remember that your wins and losses don’t define you —
Jordan: Don’t feed me that bullshit, Dave!
David: What!?
Jordan: I’m not you. I don’t have a legacy in this business. You’re a multi-time goddamn champion/ Wins and losses may not matter to you anymore, but every time I lose I feel like I’m falling a step further down the ladder. I can feel myself slipping into obscurity here.
David: Then forget about the record. Focus on doing the right thing.
Jordan: I don’t know what the right thing is!?
Dave stopped and looked around the gym like he wanted to be certain we weren’t making some sort of a scene. He looked like he was thinking hard on how to proceed. He shook his head and let out a sigh of his own.
David: This is purely black and white, doll. There’s no shades of grey here. Either you accept that what happened to Peyton is a bad thing and you want to help me right the wrong that was done to her. Or you turn a blind eye for your own selfish need to win.
Jordan: That’s not fair! You don’t understand the complicated feelings I have when it comes to Peyton. To this whole situation.
David: So for you it’s fine that a group of people are breaking into homes and beating the life out of innocent people?
I stopped myself from answering. But my mind went right to the worst place possible. I didn’t see Peyton Rice as an innocent person. I had a ton of animosity toward her. It might have been stupid, but it was mine and I owned it. Dave didn’t have to like that about me, but I didn’t need Dave. I didn’t need anything from him. Hell, I’d go back to working out at AnteUp if this was enough to cause a divide between us. But, for the moment, I swallowed and let that thought sink down into the depths of my mind. I simply looked down and let out another sigh. I let Dave interpret that however he saw fit.
David: Is there anything else you need to say? Or are you going to get mad and tell me you can’t do this, too?
My eyes rose from the floor to glare at him. I know he saw the fire in my eyes. I’m sure my cheeks started to burn red. But I simply nodded, with a bit of attitude for sure, and looked back at Valentina.
Jordan: No, I’ve got this.
I walked away from Dave and headed toward my new student. I could feel him standing there and watching me, waiting to see how I’d handle myself when I got to the girl. I tried to put that fire out and calm myself as I approached her. She’d seen the interaction between Dave and I and wore a half-assed smirk on her face. It was the kind that made it clear she thought that animated exchange was probably something to do with her.
But Dave and I had other issues right now. We had a common disagreement that wasn’t going to be solved easily. He wanted me to help him be the hero. But I didn’t know if anyone could ever accept me as a hero. It didn’t matter how much wrong I tried to right. I would never be able to fix the past. Not completely.
Valentina: Didn’t want me to hear what you thought of me, huh?
Jordan: If only you were so important, Valentina.
Valentina: Ok, first things first. Call me Valen. Please.
Jordan: Valen? Not Val?
Valentina: God no. What am I? 60 years old?
Jordan: Ok then. Let’s…
My words trailed off as I turned my head to look at the ring. It dawned on me that I had never taught anyone before. I wasn’t sure exactly how to start this or what to say. I didn’t know what Dave was expecting of me. I bit my lip and turned back to Valen, who had her hands on her hops. She rolled her eyes.
Valentina: Well this is off to a great start already. When Dave offered this to me, I told him no. I know exactly who Jordan Majors is and I didn’t want any of that rubbed off on me.
Jordan: Rubbed off on you? What?
Valentina: I watch SCW. You’re a loser.
Jordan: Hey, fuck you. You’re a nobody.
Valentina: Oh, great lesson, teach’! Thanks!
Jordan: Yeah, great lesson. Don’t let anyone talk to you like that. No matter what they are. And it’s really funny to be called a loser by someone who hasn’t done shit in this business. You’d be lucky to even be in as many matches as I’ve lost.
She rolled her eyes again and laughed at me. It was the kind of laugh that told me exactly what I already suspected was true. This Valen chick thought she was THE shit. I’d seen plenty of students in my days in this business. I knew how to spot the ones like her.
Jordan: Listen, think what you want about me but I would have loved to have this kind of chance when I was in your spot. I didn’t go to some fancy wrestling school with ceilings as high as the dreams of the people in it. I trained in a place where a suplex could drag your feet across the ceiling of the basement. I once dove off the top rope and nearly knocked myself out on that ceiling. But I made it in this business. Call me a loser, but I’ve won a title. I’ve won awards —
Valentina: And so what? Just to become someone who loses all of her big matches? I’m not some naive girl trying to learn the ropes. I watch this show. I see the shit you put out on the internet in your little promos. You’re pathetic most weeks. Whining about this and that. I don’t want THAT rubbing off on me. I don’t want to be someone who almost accomplishes things. I don’t want to be you.
I bit my lip and turned away from her for a moment. Internally I was screaming. It felt like Dave found someone who knows exactly how to attack all of my little insecurities and just set her loose on me. Was he trying to help me, or harm me even further? I ran both hands through my hair before I turned around and made sure to put a smile on my face.
Jordan: Ok then, let’s get in the ring. Let’s see a little of what you’ve got.
Valen shrugged and walked to the ropes, climbing in. I pulled myself up to the apron and climbed in. I circled the ring as I thought to myself. I’d observed a few classes, but most of my stuff was just picked up along the way. I’d left Omaha and found my way to Chicago and soaked things in like a sponge. I was a 17-year-old girl just begging to be pushed in the right direction. Valen was… something else entirely.
Jordan: Ok, how about we do this. I want to see how you move. So I want you to whip me to the ropes, go under me and then over me and then I’ll clothesline you. Then stand up and I’ll hit a hurricanrana. Good?
Valentina: Whatever…
I sighed at how much of a bitch this girl was and then approached her. She half ass grabbed me to whip me and I just stood there.
Jordan: That wouldn’t even cut it in the basement in Chicago. Come on. Whip me!
Valen barely gave me more effort and I laughed and shoved her with two hands in the chest and watched her take a few steps back.
Jordan: I said whip me!
The way it all sounded aside, I watched Valen and noticed her demeanor seemed to change suddenly. She rushed toward me and grabbed me by an arm and threw me toward the ropes. As I rushed back she ducked and I lept over her. Then I came back and she jumped over my head. But then I decided to throw a twist in. When she landed and turned, I hit her with a superkick and she fell to the mat in a heap. I cringed as I watched her roll around on the ground holding her face.
Jordan: Shit… Valen I’m sorry.
Valentina started to stand up and waved her hand like she wanted me to at least finish the sequence. I watched her get all the way to her feet before I turned and ran toward the ropes. But my head jerked back immediately as I felt Valen grab a handful of my hair and pull me back. I stumbled backward into her and threw an elbow back and then ran into the ropes again. As I came back I saw her standing and in perfect position for the hurricanrana. I hooked my legs around her but felt her grab me. She pulled me back up into a seated position on her shoulders.
Jordan: Valen, what are you doing?
The girl stumbled forward a few steps and then slammed me down, back first, into the turnbuckle. The pain shot up my spine and I slumped down to the mat. I rolled over slowly, holding my back, to see Valen looking down over me. She shook her head and smirked.
Valentina: Bitch…
As soon as I felt good enough, I scrambled up to my feet and slapped Valentina across the face. It looked like I slapped the soul out of her as she stumbled back a few steps and went down to a knee. I could see the imprint of my palm on her face as sprinted back toward me and pushed me back into the corner.
Her hands were at my throat and I was grasping at my throat with one hand and hitting her with closed fists from the other. A knee from me gave me the separation for a moment before I cocked back one more right hand and laid her out. She looked up at me with blood trickling from her mouth as someone grabbed me from behind and pulled me away.
David: What the hell are you doing? Have you completely lost your mind, Jordan?
Reality came back in a hurry like a wave smacking me before it crests on the beach. I looked around the gym and saw every single person in there had stopped to watch. As soon as Valen had dropped me on the turnbuckle, the noise had attracted a crowd. And they didn’t see Valen drop me on my spine in the corner, no, they saw me retaliate. I turned my head back to look at Dave, who pulled me through the ropes and then pushed me ahead and let me drop to the floor.
David: Jordan! My office! Now!
I was like a scalded dog to these people. Going to the principal’s office after a fight in the school yard. I walked ahead of Dave and into his office after one more push in that direction and dropped down into a chair. Dave sat at his desk and leaned down and put his head into his hands. We sat like that for a minute or two, the silence hanging between us. He finally put his hands down and folded his arms to lean on the table and look at me.
David: Can you… explain what in the world that was? I look into the ring to see you and your student choking and punching each other?
Jordan: She started it though…
David: Do you realize how childish that sounds? That’s the whole freaking reason for all of this. I was giving you your chance to grow up. I thought you might —
Jordan: Wait, this was some kind of weird test or lesson you were trying to teach me? You paired me up with this crazy bitch?
David: You’re a professional! You could have controlled the situation!
Jordan: Dave, the bitch tried to kill me! Did you not see that!?
David: I don’t care what happened. Unless she was pulling a weapon on you and your life was in danger, what the hell were you thinking?
I rolled my eyes and leaned back into the chair, crossing my arms. I couldn’t look at Dave. I was partly pissed at him for setting up whatever this had been. It felt like some sort of a trap. It hadn’t ended well for him or me. And I was also irritated at the expectations being placed on me. I heard Dave sigh.
David: I’m almost convinced that I should kick you out of this gym and ban you from returning here. But something tells me I should give you a second chance at this.
Jordan: Why?
David: Why kick you out? It’s obvious, doll. I can’t have you in here doing that to our students. I don’t care who you are. I can’t have that.
Jordan: No, why give me a second chance? I don’t deserve all the belief that people place in me. I haven’t done anything to warrant this.
David: You’re a friend. I see something in you. I don’t like turning my back on people.
Jordan: Dave… I dated and cheated on your ex-wife. I almost killed your kid —
David: No you didn’t, it was an accident.
Jordan: Still! And then now, we don’t see eye-to-eye on this Peyton thing. It just feels like, I don’t know…
I looked at Dave for a moment and then looked away and sighed.
Jordan: Listen, I know I fucked everything up today. Just… maybe this isn’t a good idea.
David: Jordan, we can forget about today. I’ll talk with Valentina and fix this.
Jordan: It’s Valen.
David: What?
Jordan: She wants to be called Valen.
David: Oh, didn’t know that.
I smirked. I wondered if Dave didn’t know or he hadn’t heard during his quest to point everyone in the right direction. Then I shook my head.
Jordan: I’ll talk to her. I’ll apologize. It was mostly my fault. But I’m not going to force her to do this thing. If she doesn’t want to learn from me, I don’t want to make her do it. Everyone deserves to pick their own patch in the end.
David: As long as it’s the right one.
Jordan: The right one for them, you mean.
Dave shot me a puzzled look and I returned one to him. We each sat there for the moment, staring at each other, before I stood up and backed up to the door.
Jordan: Sorry about this Dave. I’ll fix this up and see you in a few days or so.
I left his office before he could reply and walked back toward the ring. Valentina was sitting on the apron with a small group around her. They scattered quickly when I approached and I noticed she was holding an ice pack against her lip. She pulled the pack down and looked at me, displaying the damage done.
Valentina: What are you here for? Coming to finish what you started?
She shook her head and sighed. I reached out and held Valen’s face as I looked at the spot. She pulled her face away from me and replaced the ice pack as I made eye contact and swallowed that lump in my throat.
Jordan: So, I’m really sorry about that. The whole thing got away from me.
Valentina: You kicked me in the face. You never said anything about that.
Jordan: Yeah, well, I wanted to see how you handled things and how you moved. You caught me off guard, too, for real. But I didn’t mean for it to escalate the way it did so I’m sorry about that.
Valentina: Yeah, whatever.
Jordan: And, Dave wanted me to give this another shot but I told him that really wasn’t my call.
I saw Valen’s expression perk up. She’d been asked by Dave to give this a try and I’m not sure she felt like she had a chance to say no.
Jordan: So, I don’t want you to make a decision now. But I really want you to think about and if you want to give this another try, well, I’ll come back in a few days and we’ll see if we can do something without trying to murder each other.
I got a chuckle out of her at least. I crossed my arms and looked down, dragging my foot across the ground.
Jordan: And we’ll see if we can actually give you something you can use. Ok?
She nodded to me, still tentative about the thing. And who could blame her. My right hand had done a little damage, probably more to her pride than anything else, but that damage that had been done was on display for everyone to see. I reached forward and gave her a pat on the shoulder.
Jordan: Just let Dave know what you want to do and I’ll try to show up more prepared than I was today.
I grinned and she did back at me. I turned and headed for the locker rooms and walked back in to find a seat on the bench. I sat down and put my head in my hands and let out a deep sigh. Reaching into my locker, I pulled out a towel and brought it to my face and screamed into it. It was enough to muffle the noise to just this room. No matter what Dave was trying to accomplish here, it wasn’t working.
At least not now. The whole experience had served as another spark that almost lit the fire within. I wasn’t feeling any better. I hadn’t learned any lessons. And I still felt myself floating listlessly without the direction I was yearning to find.
I was now living without my regular, needed dosage of Cookie. Wins were harder and harder to come by. I still felt every bit as lost as I had before today’s events. I wanted so badly to find my place. Dave wanted me to believe I could be a hero, like him. But maybe I’m nothing like Dave Helms. I couldn’t live my life by someone else’s script. The only way forward is to rip up that script and do it my way.
April 17, 2021 – Los Angeles
It was relatively early when I found myself cleaning the house. Cookie was coming back into town and knowing her desire to maintain a clean space, I forced myself to get into some sort of a groove cleaning the house. I didn’t know what had led me to keep letting the inside of the place get so gross, but I couldn’t help but wonder if I was facing some sort of depression. There were days I thought back to that conversation I had in a parking lot with Asher Hayes. In his own way he was plainly telling me that I needed people to be happy. That I fed off of their happiness to find my own.
Maybe he was right. The evidence was in the filth in front of me. But I didn’t want to believe that a guy who’d become such an asshole could be right about that. Or maybe he was always an asshole and I was wrong about him. To think I valued lessons learned from Ace Marshall and Asher as much as things I’d learned from those who considered themselves to be “good people.”
I stepped outside for a moment and surveyed the chickens while I lit up a blunt. It was a habit that sure to get me in trouble, but one I’d relied on more lately to calm me down. I wasn’t nervous about Cookie coming to town. Just anxious. She lived here, too, even if she’d spent most of her time in Las Vegas lately. After puffing away my feelings with the chickens, I walked back in and continued gathering things. Clothes that I hadn’t worn in ages were still strewn about from a hasty move from Kathryn’s. There were still things boxed up from New Orleans that I’d never opened. Who else lives like that? I grabbed a jacket to put in my closet and something fell on the ground and rolled under the couch.
I sighed and crouched down and stretched my arm through to find what it was. At least a small part of me wanted something to grab me by the arm and pull me down under, away from this mess that I deal with on the daily. What I pulled out sent a wave of memories through me. In my hand was a half full bottle of valium. I laughed to myself as I looked at them and thought even more about Louisiana. They were a crutch of a bygone era. And for some reason, I wondered if they were still good.
A knock at the door ended that thought line and I stuffed the bottle into my bag as I stood and walked to the door. I opened it to find a familiar face, but not the one I was waiting on.
Vihaan: Miss Jordan!
Jordan: Vihaan? Where is Cookie?
Vihaan: Oh, fuck you Miss Jordan. I have not seen you for weeks and it’s just Miss Cookie this and Miss Cookie that. I am feeling like I am very underappreciated here. Like I don’t matter to you…
Jordan: Yeah, where is Cookie?
Vihaan: She is in my Special Edition SCW End of the Year Battle Royal Invitational Cadillac Escalade.
There was something about the way Vihaan spoke about this car that made me want to punch him. Maybe it was the fact that he’d come into my territory to get it. Or the fact that my own coworkers constantly bring him up. I was starting to get a complex here. Like they all liked him more than me. They saw him as likable when there were times I wanted to punch him in the face. I shook my head at Vihaan and brushed past him to the outside. The windows were tinted dark so that I couldn’t even see Cookie from the outside.
But I opened the driver’s side back door and saw her sitting on the opposite side. She always was. The girl had a theory that if someone tried to assassinate Vihaan they would shoot from behind so she didn’t want to be in the line of fire. I leapt across the seat to embrace her. It felt like it went on longer than it should, but it was nice seeing her away from work again.
Jordan: Why didn’t you come in!?
Cookie: Aww… because I know the house is a mess and I wanted today to be a good day.
I rolled my eyes and laughed as I broke away from the hug and leaned back to my side of the car. Vihaan stepped into the driver’s seat and started driving without a word from Cookie.
Jordan: What’s going on though? Why didn’t you want to come in? Really?
Cookie: I have something to tell you…
Jordan: Shit, Cookie. Don’t do this again.
Cookie: It will be equal parts shocking and exciting for both of us.
Jordan: You’re coming back already!?
Cookie made a face and I knew that wasn’t it. It’s the sort of face someone makes when they think you got them what they wanted for their birthday and then they realize it was nothing close. Like asking for a guitar and getting a blender.
Cookie: Not quite. In fact, I don’t think I’ll be able to come back for a long time.
Jordan: Wait, what? What the hell do you mean?
Cookie: I don’t know how to say this…
I looked at Cookie and then looked at Vihaan via the rear view mirror. He too had a look of anticipation on his face. I’d wished I smoked a whole hell of a lot more weed than this for the way Cookie was going. This was downright antagonistic on her part.
Jordan: Just say it! You’re going to break my heart again, aren’t you?
Cookie: Oh, I hope not. Because I’m pregnant!
The car came to a screeching stop at the end of our driveway. Both Cookie and I leaned way forward before the brakes sent us back into our seats. Vihaan put the car in park and leaned his head around to the back. All I could think, was it must be baby making season. First Sienna, now this? And then I thought… wait, what?
Vihaan: Who is the father!? Who is it!?
Jordan: V, easy. Calm down. Ok? Take a DEEP breath and calm down?
I took a few simulated breaths of my own and helped our Uber driver calm down and get back some sense of composure. Then I looked at Cookie.
Jordan: Spill it Ethel! Who the heck is the father!?
Cookie: Well, the more I think about it… it can only be one person. There’s only one person I’ve been that close to.
Jordan: Ok?
Vihaan: Who is it!? Who!?
Cookie: The father has to be you, Kylie!
I gave Cookie a puzzled look for a moment and then let out a soft laugh. She was joking, right? She had to be. Cookie knew that wasn’t how this worked.
Cookie: I was going to tell you at dinner, but I was too excited.
Jordan: Ethel… that’s not how —
Vihaan: I’ll kill you! Miss Jordan you are dead to me! And now I will kill you!
Jordan: Vihaan, shut the fuck up! Ethel… I can’t be the father of your baby!
Cookie: But you have to be, you’re the only one who’s been that close to me lately?
Jordan: I’m sorry, what?
Cookie: In the showers after matches. Right next to each other.
Jordan: Ethel, I don’t have a penis.
Cookie: But you kissed me!
Vihaan: That’s it!
Vihaan threw his door open and hopped out and then immediately pulled my door open. We were parked at the end of my driveway and I was looking at a grown man wanting to fight me, a woman, because he was convinced a girl he was obsessed with was pregnant with my baby.
Vihaan: Out of the car you… you fuck. Fuck you! Miss Jordan, I will kill you. Get out!
I turned back to Cookie and let out a laugh. I grabbed both of her hands and looked into her eyes.
Jordan: Boo, if you’re pregnant I can promise you it’s not mine. Are you positive you are pregnant? Have you seen a doctor and all? I mean, did you already know this on Thursday and not tell me!?
Vihaan: Fight me for her!
Jordan: V…
I turned myself to face him and gave him a stern look like a parent talking down to a child.
Jordan: I would beat you ass if it meant I get to keep this fine woman to myself. But calm yourself down. Please, go back to the house and get yourself a drink.
Vihaan: I don’t want a drink. I want to fight you for Miss Cookie!
Jordan: There’s YooHoo in the fridge.
Vihaan: Bye!
I watched the grown man trot away like he’d just gotten off of a horse as I turned back to face Cookie. She rested a hand on a non-existent baby bump and smiled at me. I had now grown suspicious.
Jordan: Ok, spill it. What the hell is going on here?
Cookie: Fine, ok. I’m not pregnant. I just ate a big breakfast before I came here and I thought I could fool you.
Jordan: And why would you be doing that?
Cookie: Because I…
Jordan: Yes?
Cookie: I might not be coming back to live here.
I felt my heart drop right out of my chest. I’d bought this place specifically because I knew how much Cookie would enjoy it. This felt as bad as all these stupid breakups. It was like I’d finally found the person in my life that made things make sense. And now she was ripping my heart out, dousing it in gasoline, and setting it on fire. I bit my lip and looked down as I let out a deep sigh. For the last few weeks I’d been banking on the idea that this Daddy thing was just temporary. That she would be moving back soon and then returning to the ring soon. Something more than us just intersecting at work.
Jordan: What happened to your plan to come back soon? This is the first time you’ve even been back since then.
Cookie: I don’t know what to say…
Jordan: Is it me? Is it something I did?
Cookie: Is this how all those break ups go with you?
Jordan: Ethel!
Cookie: Sorry! It’s just that… Daddy needs more than I ever imagined. So I came here to tell you that and to get some more of my stuff and take it with me. I’m going to get a place so he stops living with the hookers.
Jordan: Oh, so now you think they’re hookers?
Cookie: Sadly, it was always painfully obvious. But I wanted to believe in my heart that Daddy was just helping rehabilitate bunnies with an angel.
I unbuckled my seatbelt and just leaned back into the seat. I could feel the emotion coming on and I worked to fight it back. It felt like I was being abandoned. I didn’t know where else to turn. I didn’t expect Sierra to be the one who is supposed to keep me going. Cookie could sense that and she moved toward me and put her arm around me.
Cookie: Why does it feel like you’re treating this as something you shouldn’t? This doesn’t mean you’re not my best friend in the whole wide world.
Jordan: I’ve gotten so used to being around you all the time though. Traveling together. Living together. It’s like… I need that in my life. And now it’s gone. You’re taking it away and it seems so easy for you.
Cookie: Hey, is something else going on here? You seem way more upset than I ever imagined.
Jordan: I don’t know who I’m supposed to be.
Cookie: What? What do you mean?
I moved away from her and leaned forward, putting my forehead on the back of the driver’s seat.
Jordan: I don’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to be. Ethel, I’m… I’m so goddamn lost right now.
Cookie: You know who you are. You’re an actress, a wrestler, a girlfriend to the sister of she who shall not be named, and most importantly, my best friend. What more do you need to know about yourself?
I didn’t know how to tell Cookie about the things that went through my mind. Since she’d left I’d spent so many nights on my own. So many days just thinking. My mind was the most dangerous place in the world for me to visit. It was so full of doubts and sometimes it went places I couldn’t imagine. Like with Peyton. And recently, I’d even found myself agreeing with the wrong kinds of ideas.
Jordan: People want me to be something that I don’t know if I can be.
Cookie: Then don’t be what they want you to be. Be who you want to be.
Jordan: When you say it like that, you make it sound so simple. But in reality, there’s so much pressure to try and be something else entirely.
Cookie: It doesn’t matter what they want, Kylie. It only matters what YOU want.
Jordan: I don’t want you to go…
Cookie: That’s not what we’re talking about though, is it?
I bit my lip again and shook my head as I leaned back and looked at her. Just seeing her there, that smile pasted across her face, it made me wonder how she expected me to really do this without her every day. When I’d lost everything, she was the only thing. Before Kath had entered the picture, the only person I could count on was Cookie.
And when I fucked up everything with Kath, she was again the only person I could truly rely on. If I needed one person to talk me out of making a truly destructive decision, a lifeline at my lowest point, it would be Cookie Dreams. No one else. She was the sister I wished I’d had years earlier. Maybe then I’d be more secure.
Cookie: I know you’re talking about your lack of confidence right now. I don’t have a way to wave a magic wand and fix that for you. All I can say is that you have no reason to doubt yourself. You are the best wrestler I’ve ever had the privilege of teaming with. You have more passion than most of that locker room could ever dream of. And I think you have more talent than you even realize. The only one holding you back is you. And I’m pretty sure you know that, too.
I nodded and couldn’t help but smile. These were the kinds of words that only a select few people could deliver to someone and it mean something. With Cookie, I knew she had her moments where she was absolute kook. But she was also the most trustworthy and honest person I’d ever known.
Cookie: When it comes to all your issues, you’re truly your own worst enemy. You know, I know it… the whole world probably sees that by now. But the whole world also knows what you are capable of. And you continue to surprise them despite that. Look at what you’ve done with that TV show. It’s incredible. And your butt looks fantastic in 4k.
Jordan: How am I supposed to figure this all out without you?
Cookie: By doing what you’ve always done.
Jordan: What’s that?
Cookie: You know… that thing where you run in through fists and kicks like you’re trying to fight your way out of a swarm of bees.
Jordan: Do I do that?
Cookie: Girl… don’t act like you don’t. And you never ask questions either. You just run in there and fight and figure it out later. It’s both silly and admirable. But it makes you who you are.
Jordan: I don’t know about all of that…
I maintained a smile, but then sighed and looked over at her. My face went a little serious as I let a thought cloud my mind.
Cookie: What is it?
Jordan: Sometimes I wonder. What if I hadn’t stood up for myself? What if I maintained the course they wanted to set for me and just stayed in that lane?
Cookie: You mean the Bree Lancaster path to success that wasn’t working for you?
Jordan: Yeah, I guess I wonder sometimes if that was the right choice. Did I get so caught up in thinking I could be the hero there that I forgot to ask whether or not I should?
Cookie: That’s a terrible way to think.
Jordan: But how? I think it’s valid.
Cookie: It’s awful! You think you’d be happy right now if you were married to Jaina, living down south and attending wine tastings with Bree? Do you really think that’s what you’d want?
Jordan: I… I don’t know?
Cookie: Following Sienna’s orders and just being another face in the crowd? Would that make you happy?
Jordan: I think that’s a bit an oversimplification of it all —
Cookie: What about removing this right here from the equation?
That was the hard pill to swallow. In all that fantasizing and what ifs, I hadn’t even stopped to think about how it was Cookie that helped me see another direction. I let out a sigh and shook my head. That’s clearly not what I would want.
Cookie: You need to stop living in your head so much, Kylie. I know that’s easier said than done and I know your life has been crazy up this point and you think that’s why you live in there so much. But you know what I think?
Jordan: What?
Cookie: I think you have everything you need to be happy, right here.
Cookie put her hand on my chest and I looked down.
Jordan: Are you groping me?
Cookie: I’m talking about your heart, stupid. You have it all right here in your heart. All of these tough decisions you think you need to make? They aren’t tough. Your heart has already told you exactly what you need to know. Now, we both know that your heart can be a bit of a questionable bitch sometimes.
Jordan: Hey!? What the hell!?
Cookie: You know what I’m talking about, don’t even play.
I rolled my eyes and leaned toward Cookie. She put an arm around me and held me tight. I looked at her and pouted.
Jordan: I’m so pissed at you for doing this to me, but I understand.
Cookie: I have to do this for Daddy. He needs me right now.
Jordan: I need you, too!
Cookie: Well, you didn’t almost die a few weeks ago.
Jordan: Ethel, it was indigestion…
Cookie: Still!
Jordan: Well, you better get a big ass charger cord for your phone because we’re going to video call every day. I mean it!
A loud noise startled both of us as Vihaan stomped into view. He stood at my open door and looked at me, looking like he was ready to fight me again.
Jordan: Jesus, dude. She’s not pregnant and she hasn’t had sex wth me.
Vihaan: There is no YooHoo in your house. I looked everywhere! I hate you Miss Jordan. You are bad person.
Jordan: Ah, shit. Did I drink that after I smoked earlier…
Cookie: Come on Vihaan, we’ll take you to dinner and get you some chocolate milk.
Vihaan slammed my door in a rage and I heard him screaming outside of the car before he calmly got back in the driver’s seat and started the car. I looked over at Cookie and despite everything she’d said, I could still feel a bit of that helplessness creeping in. I hated being alone. It was a weakness through and through. I leaned so much on Jaina that I ended up pushing her away when I tried to lean on someone else. And I struggled to stop leaning on her.
The truth was I’d grown to really lean on Cookie. None of it was exactly healthy for me or them. I needed to figure this out on my own. It started with letting myself understand who I am. I’m not who they want me to be. I need to be who I want to be. Or maybe, who I need to be for me. Maybe I’d never be the hero like David and maybe I could never be as villainous as Bree was at her worst. Maybe I’m just me. That’s what I need to embrace. I just need to figure it out first.
Promo
A video pops up and shows the inside of an empty building. The walls are unpainted sheetrock and metal can be seen in the ceiling. The camera is low, shooting up. A pair of boots walk in front of the camera and then toward the open space before the person in the boots is revealed as Jordan Majors. She turns and looks at the camera as she begins to pace back and forth.
There’s no denying this year… it has been a shit year for me. Everyone who willingly enters into this industry deals with this kind of thing. I don’t care if you manage to go undefeated for a year straight. The losses will get you. And sometimes, they get you in bunches. I have two wins this year. Two. And I know that at times the odds have been pretty far out there. Both the gauntlet and the scaffold matches were crapshoots they tell me. But for me, none of that matters. Whether I’m facing the lowest of the low on a Wednesday, someone who will be leaving this company in the blink of an eye, challenging a champion at a major event, or anything else in between… I want to walk away the winner. I’m a competitor. This is in my blood. I need this.
Jordan comes closer to the camera and kneels down.
Last time I was in the ring… it was the lowest of the lows for me. No offense to Holly Adams and her life coaching. It has clearly done wonders for her entourage lately. But I knew I was capable of winning that match. I needed a rebound so badly. Instead, one mistake landed me right back in the loss category. And then they shoved a freaking camera in my face backstage to show how I was handling the whole thing. I feel like I’ve become the punchline to an ongoing joke. And honestly? I’m really tired of it. I’m not sure what else I can do but continue going at this every week and just hope and pray that something changes. And that sucks. It really, really sucks. Because I know that I have the potential to be great. And yet here I am being constantly beaten to death by this monkey that refuses to get off of my back.
She stands and walks away, her hands on her head as she lets out a sigh and then paces more.
You go back a year ago, and I was practically untouchable. The expectations grew tremendously. Even after a few high profile failures, I rebounded back with big wins again. Maybe 2020 was hard for most of the population. But for me? I was having the best year of my career. But then it felt like I hit a wall. That wall is something all of my opponents have been trying to make clear they believe is my ceiling. It kills me to know that it’s probably changed a lot of minds on me. So many people saw me as the next bright star in this company. Now? They’re already looking around to figure out who it is instead of me. There’s a big part of me that feels forgotten. Maybe, though, it’s my fault. Am I the one who has forgotten who I am?
Jordan walks to one of the side walls and leans against it. She stays silent for a moment.
I refused to let myself slip into obscurity while the majority of this roster cheats their way from the bottom to the top. Week after week we’re seeing a show out of control, about to fly off the rails. Only now has Mr. D shown up to even do anything about it. But what he has done, is barely anything. Nearly every week some other wrestler is reaching their breaking point and saying enough is enough and going on their own path. Is that what I have to do to make sure I don’t get left in the dust? I keep searching for answers and waiting for the truth to be revealed to me. I’ve seen what worked in the past, but it doesn’t anymore. I’m trying to evolve and find the new way to break through this ceiling that they’ve put above me. But instead I feel the ceiling getting lower and lower, threatening to crush me under the weight of my own missed potential. Am I a bust?
She pushes herself off the wall and then comes closer to the camera and sits down in front of it.
My mind is all over the place lately. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t lost confidence. I constantly feel like I’m fighting from behind and I just can’t catch back up to where I need to be. It wasn’t all that long ago that I stood in a match with Gavin and beat him until he ran away. That very match earned me the opportunity to fight for the Adrenaline Championship. Now, just a year later, I’m barely in consideration for anything. Relics of the business are preaching to me about whether or not wins or losses even matter and telling me I’m not focused on the right things. But this matters to me. I want wins over the Gavin Taylor’s of this company. I NEED them! I don’t care if I have to beat him until he runs away again. I freaking HAVE to beat him. No, this isn’t about titles. It’s about my own goddamn sanity. It’s about regaining the confidence that I lost long ago.
Jordan huffs and then runs her hands through her hair.
Gavin is one of the best young talents this generation has seen. A self-described all-star of the company. But here’s the thing. I’m better than him. And I know it. That should be me getting the kind of attention he’s getting by being Bree’s opponent at the next pay per view. That should have been me getting a big match against Xander. The TV title match against Adam. These are the opportunities I’m begging for. But right now they couldn’t feel further away. While I’m playing third or fourth fiddle helping Helms and Cannon with their personal problems on these shows, people like Gavin are getting the attention that I no longer get. I just…
She laughs to herself and looks off camera for a few seconds before peering back in.
I don’t mean to dwell on my own failures and disappointments. This match has nothing to do with any of that. This match is all about me. I need to prove to myself that I’m still a player in this company. No matter what the future holds, I want to prove to the world that the future of SCW needs to feature me prominently. I don’t want to just be a cool moment in the opening of the show. I don’t want to be a collection of little moments. I want to make the big moments. I need that feeling again. Like the one I felt when I stood up despite Sienna’s cheating to win at Rise to Greatness. The blood running down my face. The crowd roaring for me and wanting to see more. I’m not prepared to surrender the future of this company to the likes of Gavin, Kandis, Minerva, or others. The world needs a reminder of who Jordan Majors is, and it’s time they get it.
Jordan shifts herself and leans forward toward the camera.
Gavin, this match is the so-called All-Star against the Star of Tomorrow. Just a couple stars clashing in a match that’s meaningless to most. But I know somewhere in your mind you are thinking about how much it would mean to get this win back from me. You know it would be a feather in your cap to beat someone who you felt stole that recognition from you back then. Gavin, I am begging you not to run away this time. I am pleading with you to bring all that you have so that I could put you on your ass and get back the confidence that has been alluding me lately. That’s why this match is about me. As much as I’m sure you’d like to pad your stats with that win before you face Bree, I need this more than you’ll ever be able to understand. Because in that ring, that’s my life. This isn’t a joke to me like it seems to be to you. Like it seems to be to so many others. That’s why you won’t see me wasting this potential anymore. I’m going to flip the script.
She brings her hands into her lap and smirks.
This match is a gift. This is an opportunity that I have to Cash Out on. Frankly, there is no other choice. Gavin, you might have survived Xander in your own eyes. But to me? You ran away like the little bitch you are. Just like you did when you faced me a little over a year ago. Maybe you should run away from me, because I’m prepared to give you the beating you survived when you ran from Xander. I’m prepared to make a bold statement at your expense. So wipe that million dollar smile off your face, Gavin. Hug your custom box of Wheaties cereal and hang on tightly to those things that make you feel like the wrestling star you’ll never truly be. Doubting me would be the biggest mistake of your career. Come Thursday, I will bring a fight to you that leaves you limping into that match with Bree. I’m going to ruin your big moment before it even gets here. I’m sorry to be so blunt about it, Gavin. I’m sorry if I’m coming across like a bitch. But this match isn’t about you, it’s about me. I’m coming to ruin your week, buddy. I’m coming to take my confidence back. And you can take that to the bank. Because Jordan Majors IS money.
Jordan winks and blows a kiss to the camera before she knocks it over with her hand and walks past it until it fades out to black.
Everything You Wish You Could Be 