June 25, 2020 – Santa Monica
It’s funny how life seems to go so fast sometimes. A few weeks ago I was hiding these longing feelings for Kathryn Pearson. The thing was, they came out of nowhere and I didn’t know how to react. They made me feel wrong at first. This is a woman who just let me stay in HER house out of the goodness of her heart and within weeks I couldn’t stop thinking about what she must look like without clothes on. Despite what some people seem to think about me, I’m not some horned up girl in her mid 20s who just thinks about her next piece of ass. I develop these really strong, personal connections to people. When I first inherited money, I tried my hand at sleeping around for fun. It felt so empty to me. But Kath, she… everything is different with her. Imagine waking up from your worst nightmares to see someone sleeping next to you and just the feeling and the security makes it all go away. A few weeks ago I was practically violated by an obsessed person who was stuck in my ex-fiance’s past and I wondered if I was doomed to the same kind of experience for the rest of my existence. But Kath changed everything. A small text conversation with big admissions from both sides led us to each other. There were no words at first, just actions. That’s what we’d been holding back on all along. Once those barriers were down, nothing felt off limits. We could do anything together. And it was a WE, very suddenly. Not her or me doing our own things. The agreement was to pace things. She knew my well-documented history of falling in love quickly. I promised to adhere to it. But there was no denying that things were changing very quickly.
As the few weeks went by from that first moment, I knew we were growing closer and closer together. The connection was so much deeper than I imagined either of us could have anticipated. There were times I could feel the electricity between us just when she looked at me. And the physical connection, oh my god… I hoped it would never stop being like it was. She was always ready for me to return from the road and no matter how tired I was I always found a jolt of energy when I saw that grin on her face. This was uncharted territory for both of us. I know the thing hanging on both of our minds was the optics from others. What would the rest of Jay’s family think? There’s 14 years between us. She’s been a single mom for so long. How would we explain this to Jay? For the moment we’d decided to put all of that aside. No one but us and maybe Cookie really knew the extent of what was going on. I trusted Cookie with my life at this point, even if I knew that might mean we would at some point be driving toward the edge of a cliff at 90 miles per hour. I trusted that she might turn at the last moment if she knew what was coming.Knowing her, she’d sprout wings and carry us to safety. At times I couldn’t help but think she really did come from a magical place called candy mountain rather than Atlanta. Either way, the pacing WAS important for Kath and I. We put off all the BIG conversations to just have fun with this. There were a lot of things coming up. I was still waiting on news of the TV show I’d read for. Grimm’s Tales they were calling it now. Kath was preparing to debut in Emerge and I would be catching the long flight with her overseas before returning to the ring back in the states.
I flew back with the Helms crew on a new plane after Breakdown and had my usual late night arrival to Kath’s arms. That thing she was wearing when I arrived… holy hell. She looked like an absolute snack and I was famished. To say I couldn’t get enough was putting it lightly. She stayed home later on that Thursday morning and I woke up to the unmistakable aroma of bacon. Even upstairs in Kath’s bed — I still called it that since on occasion Jay’s presence would require me to stay in my own — the scent of Kath cooking breakfast was enough to make me happy. I drug myself out of her California king and slowly plodded my way down the stairs to see her dressed very much like me, in a t-shirt and underwear, cooking for the two of us. She turned and looked over my shoulder as she sensed my presence and shot me a smile that I’ve come to compare to the most absolutely beautiful works of art that have ever been produced on this planet or any other that Cookie may or may not have come here from. I made my way to the nearby counter and fished two coffee mugs out of her cabinets and kissed her on the cheek as I prepared our usual favorites via the Keurig. It was all so perfect. I sat the cups nearby and walked up behind Kath and wrapped my arms around her at the waist, laying my head against her shoulder and letting out a happy sigh.
Kathryn: Good morning, sweetie.
Jordan: Morning, babe.
I gave her a light squeeze from behind. Holding her in an embrace. This was all so domestic and shit. But I loved it. I ate up every moment of it. Kath sort of turned over her shoulder to look back to me. She reached forward and turned off the burner and lifted the pan over a plate before pulling the bacon out on to it. I let go and turned to grab the cups of fresh coffee and walked toward the table and sat down. Kath joined seconds later and took a sip from her coffee and I made a plate for myself.
Kathryn: Do you have a sister?
I stopped in my tracks and just stared at her. For so many this was probably a simple yes or no question. But in my personal history was the revelation that was Jake Starr as my brother. So… it was a bit of a mindfuck for a moment.
Jordan: Do I?
Kathryn: I’m not sure, I asked you…
This caused a weird moment between us. I withdrew my plate of food and set it in front of me. Did I have a fucking sister? I was super confused. Kath read this like a children’s book. It was painted all over my face. She sort of laughed and then got up from the table and walked back to the kitchen. She came back with an envelope and placed it near me before plopping back into her seat.
Kathryn: Maybe a cousin or ex-wife?
Ex-wife? What the hell? I laughed, awkwardly, and looked down at the envelope. It was from the State of California. Right there in bold letters was a name. Kylie J. Majors. I smiled and rolled my eyes before I looked at Kath. This was no big deal.
Jordan: Oh. This is to me.
Kathryn: I’m confused, babe.
Jordan: How so?
Kathryn: Well, Jordan, I was under the impression your name was Jordan.
I tilted my head for a moment and looked at Kathryn. I felt like an idiot for not making the connection right away. The truth was I rarely ever told anyone that my name wasn’t actually Jordan.
Jordan: So, my name is actually Kylie. Jordan is a stage name. Well, kind of. It’s my middle name actually. My understanding is that my birth mother would have named me Jordan so my adopted parents decided to make it my middle name in some sort of tribute for them giving me up. I thought Jordan Majors was a good ring name. So I’ve used it for years now. Like, I’m not even used to being called Kylie anymore.
Kath seemed like she was processing this information. Or maybe more like she didn’t exactly know how to process it. I watched as she lifted the mug to her lips and then turned to look out a window.
Jordan: What’s wrong?
Kathryn: Nothing I just…
Kath looked at me and smiled. She shrugged her shoulders and then looked at me. I could see her lips searching for the next question that she wanted to ask. But something in her mind was stalling it from escaping. She sighed and then it came out.
Kathryn: So if I hadn’t stumbled upon this because I retrieved the mail this morning before breakfast, would you have even thought to mention this to me?
I couldn’t be sure, but it seemed like there was a slight bit of iciness in her tone.
Jordan: I’m sorry, are you upset about this? It’s really not something I was intentionally hiding. I’ve basically left that name behind in my life.
Kathryn: Hmm…
This was weird. Not since the whole Asher incident had I felt this uncertainty about something with Kath. Yet this seeming was a VERY minor thing. At least in my mind. I wasn’t hiding this from her, it just hadn’t been something we had any reason to really focus any attention on. I awkwardly broke the silent staring by reaching down and grasping at a strip of bacon. The tasty piece of meat crunched between my teeth as I took a bite.
Kathryn: I like the name. Kylie.
She seemed to savour the sound of the name on her lips like I was savouring the taste of the bacon I’d been eating as I waited for her to say something that gave me an idea of what she was thinking. A small laugh escaped my lips and I couldn’t help but smile. I practically blushed like a teenager.
Jordan: I’m not adverse to you using it or anything. I’m glad you like it. Most people who know still call me Jordan. I think they’re all just used to that name.
Kathryn: Kylie… hmm.
I laughed louder this time and leaned forward against the table with a wider smile on my face.
Jordan: What!?
Kathryn: Nothing!
Kath had an equally wide smile on her face. It dawned on me that this conversation was the kind of silliness I never remembered in the early periods of my time with Jaina and the more complicated period I had with Abigail. They were the past now. This was an entirely new adventure. Things with Kath all felt genuinely different. Like all that stuff before was just child’s play and this was the real thing. This was the start of a real relationship. This was all entirely different. It was even in the small moments like this one where I realized how hard I was falling for this woman. It was against the rules we’d set forth. Against taking it slow. I returned a smile to her and the rest of breakfast was mostly small talk, which ended when I got up to take the dishes to the sink to wash up. Kath went to help but I waved her away, she cooked, I was going to clean. It felt like the right thing to do as a common courtesy but at the same time… I don’t know, like what relationships should be like? Teamwork, pulling together instead of away from each other… which immediately scared me when I realised what was running through my mind. Kath did as she was told though and let me to do, instead making another coffee. She went to grab the cream from the refrigerator though and came up short.
Kathryn: Oh, remind me to hit the store later Jordan, we’re almost out of wine…
I turned to look at her over my shoulder, my eyebrow practically raised in accusation.
Jordan: Oh, so it’s Jordan now huh?
Turning from the fridge, carrying the cream to the counter, I could practically feel her eye roll from where I stood. And then came the look that I’d seen her give Jay several times since I’d been staying here, that motherly disapproval… which should probably be kind of weird, but it was quickly becoming a sort of in-joke between us and I knew she didn’t mean it.
Kathryn: Okay, so first of all, I only just found out Jordan isn’t your name, okay? And more importantly, it seemed like you just preferred Jordan, so I figured I’d go with that… but I’ll call you whatever you want me to sweetie, just let me know.
My smile ran from ear to ear, flashing each of my pearly whites as my cheeks went up as high as humanly possible.
Jordan: You can call me whatever you want as long as you keep calling me yours, babe.
I even added the cheeky wink; if I was going to bust out a line so cheesy that it could have come from a gas station pickup line book, I should really play it up, right? This time, the eye roll was real, and she just shook her head as she chuckled to herself before fixing our drinks. I was going to miss this when I came to the end of my break from the house show schedule. Thursdays had become special for us since I’d moved out here, and we’d treasured them because we knew the reprieve wasn’t going to last forever. It really made it hit home how such things would be when my schedule returned to normal. But we made them count, that was what was important. She’d changed her schedule around at work so that she had them off and we’d spend as much time together as possible. It wasn’t always spent really doing anything in particular, but it wasn’t what we were doing or where, just that we were spending the time together that mattered. We were still in that exciting discovery part of our… relationship I guess? Everything was new, exciting, and kind of scary too, but amazing with it. I found myself hanging on her every word, fascinated by every move she made, even if it was just repositioning herself on the couch. But it really made it hit home, how different this felt to everything that had come before, in a way. Because I hadn’t really experienced this before. Abi was… well, Abi. And Jaina, I felt like I was the mature one at times, with how inexperienced she came across at times, but then she is young so I guess that made sense. But with Kath it was different. She knew who she was, and she was comfortable in her life, which made me comfortable. Which I guess is why I felt so at home in someone else’s home in the first place… but I think it also explains how I started catching the feels too. Because that was the thing. Kath made it so easy to catch them. And despite the place I was emotionally when I came to LA, despite the reasons for me returning… I can’t say that it wasn’t worth it. Because it was. Happiness is always worth it.
June 30, 2020 – Ottawa
After a few days spent with Kath, I returned back to the road with the rest of the motley Helms crew and flew to Canada. Cookie and I had been texting back and forth about the trip and there was a certain level of excitement in the air over us getting together for our weekly taco dinner. It would be fantastic to see what kind of enchiladas Ottawa had to offer. But as we landed, I got a text from Cookie about meeting some place that was in no way a Mexican restaurant. I spent some time at the hotel and considered checking it, but I didn’t doubt the legitimacy of whatever Cookie had planned for the night. So I simply ordered myself a car and took off for the location. What I arrived at was a shack in the middle of nowhere. I assumed what ANY other sane, rational person would. Cookie had met a serial killer online by accident and volunteered to be tortured and killed. She was just dragging ME along for, I don’t know, moral support? It was fine. It was whatever. I was going to go along with it. Frankly, I trusted that Cookie wouldn’t let me down. It turned out, these guys were all into the supernatural. They gave Cookie some kind of instrument and she giddily jogged over to me.
Cookie: Check it out, girl!
I studied what she was holding and I recognized it. It was all coming together now. I’d seen it on TV. You know, the shows where they send people into these old broken down, dilapidated houses and they act all surprised when the toys light up. It was like modern day ghostbusters except you just knew if there was a real ghost or ghoul these people would be hiding in a hole until someone saved them.
Jordan: Ah, yeah! These are those things they track ghosts with on those shows. Do they have food here though? I’m kind of hungry.
Cookie: Ghosts?
Jordan: Yeah, you know. Like they scan it and…
Cookie was shaking her head at me and waved a hand at my face. It was rare to see this kind of reaction from Cookie. I couldn’t be sure if my friend was angry with me or not.
Cookie: THIS is for UFOs. We’re hunting aliens.
Jordan: Aliens!?
Cookie shot me this look as if to say ‘of course, aliens stupid.’ But I had learned to just go with it. Truth be told I loved this girl to death and would do anything for her. So alien hunting it was. I watched as the other men piled into a van and drove off, leaving us there with seemingly no way to leave.
Cookie: I’m a member of a group called MUFON.
Jordan: MUFON!?
Cookie: The Mutual UFO Network. I’d tell you more, but…
Jordan: But!? What!?
Cookie: Regrettably, I’d have to kill you. I’ve already told you too much. Follow me.
I swallowed hard and started following her. I could feel my eyes bulging in shock from her words. I didn’t know if it was a joke or not. And the moments that followed didn’t make it any more or less clear. The thing that was so different about Cookie was… well that everything was different. She operated on a different wavelength, but I loved it. You could be talking about something so normal and then fall into a hole talking about some subject that was rooted in sex or fantasy. It was so interesting compared to watching rich bitches sit around drinking wine and comparing the prices of their Gucci and Prada bags. It made me feel alive, where that stuff in my past made me feel like I was playing a character in a soap opera. I was just waiting for the moment Sienna Swann or Bree Lancaster shoved me down the elevator shaft at the hospital or made sure I caught tuberculosis and disappeared until I could be recast by whatever next rich bitch they adopted momentarily. Cookie was completely opposite of that. And it was everything I needed.
Cookie: So… how are things?
Jordan: Things?
Cookie: Yeah, things. In Santa Monica with Kathryn.
I smiled, temporarily forgetting the vague threat on my life that was related to finding the little dudes from Mars Attacks running around in Canada. As we moved away from the lights near the shack, we quickly lost our light. I pulled out my phone and flipped on the flashlight. I shined it at the ground in front of me to find my footing to make sure neither one of us was wearing a cut on our faces the next night on TV from tripping in the middle of a field.
Cookie: What are you doing?
Jordan: Trying to make sure we don’t fall on our faces.
Cookie: Turn it off! Turn it off! They can see these kind of lights from space!
Jordan: They can?
I stopped in my tracks and we stared at each other. She looked down at my phone and then back up at me. A sort of gesture to do what she’d said a moment ago and shut the light off. I fumbled with my phone’s settings to flip the light back off. Eventually I got the light to disappear and devolved us back into total pitch black. Even in the dark I could see that bright smile of hers. Cookie’s toothy grin seemed to light up the area more than Steve Powers signing autographs at the mall.
Cookie: Now, where were we? You were going to tell me about things in Santa Monica.
Jordan: Uh… they’re going pretty amazing actually. I never expected any of this to happen, but every time I get to be with her again… I can feel myself falling deeper for her. Do you think people are going to be all weird about it though? If they find out?
Cookie: If?
Jordan: I mean when.
Cookie: But you said if.
Jordan: I meant, when.
Cookie: You SAID if.
I stopped speaking and let out a frustrated, huffy laugh.
Cookie: Are you concerned that someone will say she’s old enough to be your mom?
Jordan: She’s NOT that old!
Cookie: Women have had children at younger ages, you know. It’s not impossible by any means.
Jordan: That’s kind of beside the point though. Are you confirming what I was saying?
Cookie turned toward me, a beaming smile on her face. She wrapped her left arm around my waist as we walked further into a field. I felt at ease when I was with her. Sort of like when I was with Kath, but in a totally different way. I couldn’t really identify a friend I had ever had in my life that made me feel like that. I was allowed to be myself with her.
Cookie: I’m saying who cares as long as you’re happy. I told you ahead of time that using the KABLAM Labs lubricant had some side effects to it and once you and Kath shared it you were gonna be hooked.
Jordan: I’m confused… are you suggesting this had something to do with the ingredients in your water-based lubricant?
Cookie: Who said it was water-based?
Jordan: The packaging.
Cookie: Oh…
We kept walking into the field until Cookie came to a sudden stop and held the instrument in the air.
Jordan: About the lube?
Cookie: I’m sure it will bring you and Kath plenty of children.
I laughed it off for a moment and then looked at her.
Jordan: If only that was possible, huh?
Cookie: Who said it isn’t? I’d have your baby. That baby would be too great for this world however.
I burst into laughter and put my arm back around Cookie, pulling her tighter against me in a side embrace. She continued to scan the skies. A bright object suddenly moved across the sky and she perked up. It was obviously some kind of airplane, but she kept the instrument pointed at it like a trained hunting dog. But nothing was happening. She started smacking it against her other hand before trying again.
Jordan: Is it broken?
Cookie: It should be going crazy right now. There’s aliens in the sky right there.
She pointed, her finger following the plane. Another one in the distance started to light up the starry sky.
Jordan: Can I try?
Cookie nodded and happily handed it to me. I started scanning toward it, but nothing was happening.
Cookie: You see all that up there? All those beautiful stars. Some of them may have their own worlds. People down here just can’t even begin to wrap their minds around it. It’s been a long time since I’ve been up there and seen home, but my star is over there. Anyways, is it picking anything up?
Jordan: No, nothing is… wait, what?
I turned and looked at Cookie, but she was staring at the sky. Lost in thought. I wasn’t entirely sure what she said so I shrugged it off and tried to scan the sky.
Jordan: Are you sure this piece of shit is even turned on?
I smacked it against my palm and then turned toward Cookie. The instrument lit up like a Christmas tree in an instant. An electric noise emanating from it. Cookie turned and looked down and I saw panic on her face. She grabbed it and pointed it away from her.
Cookie: Are you crazy!?
Jordan: I… what?
Cookie shook her head and looked back up to the stars. I slowly turned the instrument back toward her and as soon as it lit up again I jerked it toward the sky. Cookie looked at me, hoping I’d spotted a UFO, but instead I shrugged.
Jordan: Must’ve missed it. Moving at light speed or something.
Cookie: Hmm… that’s the closest I’ve ever come.
We stood there for a while, talking about life. I asked Cookie if she was feeling the nerves of having to defend a title week in and week out if she wanted to keep it. I admired her confidence. It was almost stupid confidence. Nothing seemed to truly worry her beyond some crazy monster or something challenging her for the title when she least expected it. It made me laugh to imagine something like Manvel showing up dressed as a Minotaur and pinning Cookie because his torso was so long she couldn’t figure it out. When the guys in the van showed back up, Cookie waved for me to follow and we started back toward them.
Cookie: So tell me. This whole Kath thing. Are you guys dating or what is it?
Jordan: It’s… I think?
Cookie laughed at me and shook her head as we walked along together.
Jordan: What?
Cookie: One thing I love about you my friend. You’re never quite sure of what anything really is are you?
Jordan: I wish I could dispute that, but I think the evidence shows that I am, more often than not, finding myself asking way too many questions without getting any answers.
Cookie: Maybe you aren’t asking the right questions.
I titled my head in thought, looking over to her as we kept on back towards the vans.
Jordan: What do you mean?
Cookie: You’re always either asking yourself questions, or you’re asking others questions that you assume you already know the answers to. Sometimes you just need to listen to yourself and trust yourself. And when it comes to someone like Kath, stop asking questions. If you had stopped asking questions a month ago you’d have been banging her for a month already.
Jordan: Hey!
Cookie: Just saying, sweetums. Daddy Dreams always told me.
I waited for a moment for her to finish what she was saying, but she stopped talking entirely.
Jordan: He told you what?
Cookie: He told me, things? I don’t know.
I let out a confused sigh and then shrugged.
Jordan: You’re probably right. But you’ve been right about this the whole time. You knew I was falling for her long before I did.
Cookie: Well when you make it as obvious as you did.
Cookie laughed and I couldn’t help but follow as we reached the four men and their van. One of the men gave Cookie a head nod and she confidently nodded back and handed him the instrument before leaning against the van.
Jordan: Y’all find any aliens?
The four men looked at each other in confusion and then at Cookie. She shrugged and shook her head. I watched as she slipped past them and into the van, disappearing from view. I looked back at the men and saw one of them put his hand to his forehead and shake his head.
Man: The fuck you talking about? We were hunting ghosts. You were supposed to check that shack!
I turned to my left and saw the old shack looking building that we’d pulled up to and then looked back at the man with an innocent smile.
Man: Get in the van and we’ll take you back into town.
I felt myself burning deep red in embarrassment as I shuffled myself into the van and went to the back of it and sat next to Cookie. I stared at her, wondering what the hell just happened, but she seemingly shrugged off my glance.
Jordan: You said this was aliens!?
Cookie: I forgot what we were doing here. Sorry. Aliens is next week.
Jordan: Are you really a member of a secret UFO group?
Cookie: No, but I heard about it in a documentary once.
Jordan: I like those. They’re like movies, except with uglier people.
Cookie: Shhh…
I snapped my head toward her and then turned myself in the seat to face her. She was telling me to be quiet? Really?
Cookie: The ghosts can probably hear you… and they probably belong in documentaries.
It was a strange, but fun trip with Cookie, as they always were. But she always made at least one good point that made my mind work. And that was the whole point this time. My mind was always working on overdrive to try and determine everyone else’s feelings and making MY own feelings overcomplicated. Maybe I needed to let my guard down a little bit more. Maybe I needed to start searching for aliens when everyone else was looking for ghosts. Or at least, maybe I needed to start following my heart a lot more than my head. I needed to stop overthinking things as much as I do. Overthinking got me into a mess in the first place, both in and out of the ring. The moment I was forced to open up to Kath everything changed for the better. Even in the small moments like when she discovered my birth name. I needed more moments like those with her. Somehow, Cookie was the one speaking sense into my life. No wonder she won the TV title before I did.
July 5, 2020 – Santa Monica
The sun woke me up after a long night on the 4th. It was my last week of missing house shows before a grind leading up to Rise to Greatness. This time of year was always completely insane. I had to admit I had been somewhat lucky to have the schedule I did. There was an influx of new and returning talent that was getting the showcase on those smaller shows. I was happy for them, too. I wasn’t as happy to roll over and realize I was laying in this big, California king-sized bed all alone. One thing I’d come to learn about Kath over the last few weeks is she was an expert at getting out of bed without waking me up and just getting things ready in the morning. I was pretty sure she was capable of sneaking out of bed and killing someone in the house without me having the slightest clue. She loved to make coffee and something for breakfast for the two of us. It was very routine for her when I was around. I’d told her over and over that it wasn’t something she HAD to do for me. Even if I appreciated it and definitely loved the attention that came with it. But I’d come to learn that was just Kath. Everything I’d learned about her over the last few months was making me fall madly in love with her. That was the honest to god truth about this situation. But I was trying to pace everything. It’s no secret that I’ve made mistakes in the past and most of them have been as a result of moving too fast. Things with Kath felt… different. Maybe I was just tricking myself into believing that was the case. Maybe it’s because it’s what I WANT to be the case. Either way, I already knew how much I loved her. I rolled over to get out of bed and stretched as I looked out the large window in her room. The sun was just barely filling it, but enough to where it reached me in the bed. We needed curtains. That’s for sure. Suddenly, I heard the familiar noise of a video call coming to my phone and grabbed it to see it was my agent or assistant or whatever she was, Karen. I answered to see her excitedly looking at me.
Jordan: Karen? It’s early…
Karen: Early? It’s like 8:30 a.m. You look like you’re still in bed. Isn’t it like 10:30 where you’re at?
I rolled my eyes as soon as she said it and let out a dramatic sigh.
Jordan: Seriously, girl. How many times am I going to need to tell you that I don’t live in Chicago anymore? It’s becoming almost overwhelming at this point to continue reminding you that I’ve been living in Santa Monica for three months.
Shit… had it really been that long? Three months wasn’t that long, but it felt like a lot longer.
Karen: I keep forgetting, hun. That’s my bad. Sorry again.
Karen went quiet and I raised my brows as I waited for her to fill this void. She didn’t pick up on the cue, so I laughed and rolled my eyes.
Jordan: So what’s up?
Karen: Not much, what’s up with you?
Jordan: I don’t know… you called me…
Karen: Oh!
Karen began laughing. She was clearly more amused by her forgetfulness than I was. Listen, I’m a nice person and I will do anything for anyone. But Karen has been given so many opportunities and I would at least expect her to have this all figured out now. But yet, she finds ways to be so incredibly awkward.
Karen: So… we have heard back on the little part you read for.
Jordan: And?
I felt my voice tentatively go higher. It was a wave of emotions hitting me in an instant. I was excited, yet I was nervous. This was entirely uncharted territory for me.
Karen: They loved you!
A smile came across my face and the good vibes washed over me as I made myself more comfortable on the bed, sitting back and leaning against the headboard.
Karen: I knew you were still in bed!
Jordan: Karen, what else?
Karen: Ok, they want you for part baby girl. You were their favorite by a landslide. They really feel like you come across very raw and authentic.
I thought to myself those sounded exactly like the description of someone who has never done this before and was both trying not to come across like a fool and trying to guess exactly what she was supposed to do.
Jordan: Uh… holy shit. Karen… I don’t know what to say about all of this…
I began laughing and shaking my head in disbelief. It was great news. I didn’t quite know what any of it meant for me though. We went after this thing sort of on a whim. They asked for me. Somehow, I’d nailed it.
Jordan: But what happens now?
Karen: So, they know your schedule is pretty wild this time of year. Or at least I filled them in on it. As long as things go ok, they want to start filming this the week after Rise to Greatness.
The week after… so soon?
Jordan: Ok…
Karen: All the filming is going to take place in Toronto. It’s an aggressive schedule so basically all of your time off will be spent there. I’ve already taken the luxury of contacting a few places there about getting you a studio apartment. The studio itself is working with us on that one and they’ll finalize it after you can get up there and see a few places.
Hearing all of this started to quickly become overwhelming. Karen was hitting me with a lot of information.
Karen: But… the schedule is going to be a little difficult in all honesty. That whole time off you’ll be working and then they may need you to continue working up there for the next month or two after. So two to three months total shooting this thing depending on how it all goes. They’ll work around your schedule with SCW when it picks back up. So you definitely want to live in Toronto for the extent of this thing.
I could feel my smile turning into a blank expression on my face. I could see it on the phone, too. Karen noticed it.
Karen: What’s wrong baby girl? I thought you would be super excited about all of this.
I bit my lip and then sighed. I looked back out the window and then my eyes wandered around the room taking it all in before they returned to the small screen in my hand.
Jordan: I am excited! And nervous. And… I don’t know how I feel about the schedule. That’s going to be crazy…
Karen: Life of being a star, girl. Well, maybe a television star or whatever this was. All I know is I did double check when they offered the part and it is for sure not adult entertainment. They didn’t seem to understand why I was asking that but–
Jordan: Jesus… Karen… why would you even ask that?
Karen: You seemed worried about it last time!
I didn’t respond and again looked off the screen. Karen softly smiled at me as my eyes returned to look at her once again.
Jordan: So what do we do now?
Karen: They’re being kind of aggressive on this. They want to know if you’re interested by the end of this week. They want to get out some press information. You’re the last role they need to secure. They actually called on Friday, but the offer seemed kind of low so I played it off and then they came back with a larger offer.
I sighed and put my head in my other hand.
Jordan: Karen… you are a whole mess…
She giggled and nodded.
Karen: I’m good at navigating the messes. That’s what I’m here for. But listen… why don’t you take some time and think about it and as soon as you know for sure just call me and I’ll let them know. Like I said, they kind of want some real urgency here so they can start promoting your role in this show. Of course they love the idea of getting press information out the week of Rise to Greatness. It gives them so much attention.
I nodded and sighed, looking directly into the camera and blowing my cheeks out before smiling and laughing.
Jordan: Honestly, it’s rare that I’m at a loss for words. But I have no idea what to say about all of this…
Karen: Take the day to think about it. Take the next few. Just give me the answer and I will move forward with getting everything set up. You did it baby girl. I knew you could. Bye!
Karen waved at me and then the call ended with a quiet, uneventful beep. I dropped the phone onto the bed and sat with my legs pulled in close to my chest and just sighed. It was unbelievable to even think about the idea that I’d somehow landed a role in a television series. It felt like a mistake or some kind of accident. Maybe they messed up. I needed to call Karen back and have her double check for me. I reached for my phone but then closed my eyes and let out a slow breath. No, you idiot. This is real. You don’t need to pinch yourself or check your pulse. You are going to be in a produced drama on a cable network. What kept sticking with me though, was the travel schedule. Things were moving fast with Kath. How was I supposed to just up and leave her for two to three months at this stage of our relationship. It felt like it would signal the end of us before we really got going. I wasn’t so naive that I believed a new relationship would last if it went long distance. Not one as intense as ours had been.
I let out another breath and pushed myself out of the bed and walked toward the door, and then down the stairs. As I made my way downstairs I watched her for a moment as she finished making whatever it was on the stove. It looked and smelled like scrambled eggs. I leaned back against the wall halfway down the steps and smiled. Then I forced my way down to the main level and slowly stepped into the kitchen. When she turned and smiled at me, shit, I almost melted right there. The intense emotion within me in this moment was hard to really measure. Kath had a way of taking any situation I was in and just instantly making it better. I loved her for it. Damn… I just said it. I love her. I’m too scared to say it out loud though. I bit my tongue and broke my gaze on her. Maybe she wouldn’t be able to sense that something was off with me. If I was supposed to be an actress soon, surely I could play this off.
Kathryn: Is something wrong?
I froze. That was all it took. Maybe I didn’t deserve that part if this woman could see right through me. But I leveled with myself. This was different. Kath knew me as well as I knew myself. She could read me like a book.
Jordan: Uhh… actually I guess it’s good news. Karen just called me. The part I read for last month. I got it! They loved me!
Kathryn: Kylie, that’s amazing!
Kath rushed over to me and embraced me in the sort of congratulatory hug that would be typical of any couple. I imagined this must be what it feels like when someone in a couple tells the other that they just landed a new job. Kath leaned back from the hug and placed a big kiss on my lips. As the kiss broke. She stared into my eyes. Her left eyebrow was slightly raised. I had absolutely no poker face. I was pushing all in with a pair of threes and she was completely calling my bluff. I should have been excited. Overjoyed. But here I was barely reacting to Kath’s happiness for me. I’d earned this role out of nowhere. She couldn’t gather why I wasn’t the least bit excited. How could she? I didn’t even know how to explain this to her.
Jordan: So, IF I take this part. They want me to leave for Toronto after Rise to Greatness is over and they want me to live there during filming and some of the production. For maybe three months.
Kath looked at me and I could see as the meaning behind what I was saying really began to register with her. She looked down for a moment and when she looked back at me there was a sort of forced smile on her face. A silence hung between us for that moment after. Neither one of us seemed sure what to say. But then, Kath swallowed and that forced smile became slightly more reassuring.
Kathryn: Babe… you have to do it. This is such a huge opportunity for you. It goes beyond what you do in the ring and it could change everything for you. It could open more doors and bring new fans and new opportunities. So… you have to.
She smiled and nodded. It seemed like she was reassuring herself more than me.
Jordan: I’m not sure I really want to leave you that long. I know you can’t come with me. You have Jay and the store and your whole life is here… I just feel like something was happening here and doing this might be abandoning that entirely. It’s a little sobering to feel like I might have to choose between this and you.
Kath shook her head quickly and reached out, grabbing my shoulders.
Kathryn: Don’t do that. Don’t say that or feel like that just… don’t. I don’t want you to feel this way.
Kath tilted her head and smiled. She leaned forward and placed her forehead against mine.
Kathryn: You have to do what’s best for your career, ok?
She kissed my forehead and leaned back. I nodded and she let the grip on my shoulders go and turned back toward the kitchen and away from me. There was something about the whole interaction that told me as “ok” as Kath seemed to be about this, she had some of the same feelings I did. This was a gigantic opportunity for me. But at what cost? Was I stupid to care so much about this, whatever it was, with Kath that I was willing to throw away this opportunity to ensure that I could stay here with her? I had a lot to think about. No one but me would understand exactly how difficult this whole decision would be. I had to make the right decision.
Promo
A camera switches on and immediately shows Jordan Majors sitting at a desk with a microphone in front of her. She grabs a pair of headphones and puts them on and leans in toward the mic.
Test.. Test..
She leans back and smiles and then looks toward the camera before moving the mic to the side so it doesn’t block her face. She puts her elbows down on the desk and leans back in.
What’s up world? Jordan Majors here. I’m sure you know that if you’re bothering to click on and watch this video. I’m just getting something setup at home here for now so that I can potentially start bringing you all something very special with my friend, the current TV champ and the champ of many hearts out there, Cookie Dreams. We’re both excited about the prospect of this and… well… I might as well just say it’s a podcast. Yes, I know everyone and their whole neighborhood is doing this now. But we think ours will be more fun than theirs. So, there!
Jordan laughs at herself, a smile covering her face.
Now let’s get to the facts here. A few weeks ago I told the City of Little Rock that they were getting a very special treat because I was scheduled in a dark match. This time of year as so many of you might know is crazy. I took on Damian Angel and won. I’ve seen some pics and clips floating around out there and I know there was a bit of disappointment that not everyone got to see it. Then I know disappointment was even higher after I said I’d be back in the ring on July 1. That date came and went and I wasn’t in the ring like most of you hoped They say things change in this business, and in this case it was the card. But this week makes way for a big challenge amidst a quest to make Sienna take a seat and deal with it. I will face Syren! Before I get to, Zoe, though. Let me talk about a few things.
Jordan clears her throat and her demeanor turns a little more serious. She leans back and folds her hands into her lap.
What Sienna did last week is despicable. Don’t get me wrong. In this business people get hurt. Most often it is by accident. We live the whole year fighting bumps and bruises away. But when you try to put someone on the shelf… how terrible are you? Really? I think back to Bree, in particular, going out of her way to hurt someone earlier this year. I overlooked it at the time, still wearing the Beauty Factory brand blinders that so many of those people seem to have glued to the front of their faces. That alone was downright terrible. This, however, goes straight to cowardly. Sienna has the gall to claim that she was trying to do me a favor by knocking me out before I can make it to fight her one on one at Rise to Greatness. This bad blood between us, y’all might not realize it, but it’s boiling beyond the surface at this point. I get that she wants to make a statement. But breaking my leg isn’t the right statement to be made. Beating me in that ring is. She wants to be mad at me for planting Xiomara’s face into the ring like she’s some innocent bystander. Xiomara is every bit the henchman for you that you utilize your own man as. But no one can control you at this point.
Jordan leans back further into the chair and lets out a sigh.
When I think about that match coming up, I don’t even think about it in terms of winning or losing. For me it’s about making sure Sienna never forgets the mistakes she made with me. That she knows I will never let her forget. I’m going to have this one thing to hold over her for the rest of her career. Ha, the rest of her life. And I will beat her and it will be over for me. Sienna will continue to grow more and more unhinged and in the back of her mind she will know that I was better than her. That she wanted the match and that she lost it. I try not to get too far ahead of myself thinking about it, but the more I do the more excited I get. Last year’s Rise to Greatness was incredible. I pinned Ravyn and I cast aside some personal demons all at once. But this year’s is so much more personal to me. And it feels like I’m no longer an afterthought. That all doesn’t really mean that much to me in all honesty. I don’t care about being well-liked or the center of attention. I care about doing what’s right, even if others don’t agree with me. This is what I believe and I’m fighting for it. Sienna is wrong in the way she handles things. I’m the one that has to make her pay her penance.
Jordan leans back forward toward her left elbow and looks to be lost in thought as a few moments pass in silence.
The other thing I think about right now with the Syren match coming up, is a sort of weird parallel thing that has happened. In terms of Sienna trying to hurt me, I can’t help but think back to when Syren’s people tried to hurt me. Particularly Ravyn and Christy. It was cowardly, but it was so on brand for them. They tried and they succeeded in hurting me. They paid the price in the end, but when it all ended they were well on their way with a short run in the tag division. I was left still rehabbing a lingering left knee injury. And Syren? She ripped into me when I fought her last November with a tirade hellbent on making sure I knew that I wasn’t worth a damn to her. If it weren’t for Amy and Wyatt, I might not have made it back as quick as I did last year. Forever grateful to them for the wisdom they instilled in me there. But I’m also still spiteful of the way Syren addressed me like I was trash just waiting to be discarded from this company.
She shakes her head, visibly irritated as she thinks about her own words.
And it’s just total bullshit when it comes down to it. I came away from that match almost beating her. But almost means nothing in this industry. That shit was a wakeup call for me. It really was. That whole thing. I was getting downright harassed, regularly, 3 on 1 by Syren associates. Did you see Bree or Sienna getting their hands dirty in order to help? Nah, you saw Jake Starr step up to the plate. But that’s how it has always been when it comes to them. They’re more worried about their own bottom line than the ones of the company they keep. As far as Syren was concerned, by the time I got that match with her and lost it made me stop and take stock of everything. Look at the things I’ve accomplished since then. It’s a total 180 from the direction I could have headed. Head turning performance at the end of 2019, winning match after match to start 2020, winning the buy-in, Trios finals, Adrenaline Championship and iron woman in Taking Hold of the Flame. These last seven months have had ups and downs, but there’s no doubt most of it has been positives. I feel like I have more than proven I can beat anyone. And that’s where Syren comes in to play.
Jordan leans back forward, her elbows back on the table as she stares directly into the camera.
The only person who probably believes I’m not capable of beating Syren, is more than likely still Syren. The thing about Zoe is before I broke into this business when I was living in a one room apartment in Chicago and living off every penny I earned, is that she was one of the people that was on my wall staring back at me every night. I long dreamed of sharing a ring with her. I just wasn’t ready for the time it happened and the realization that on the other end was a self-entitled bitch that was so selfish all she wanted to do was use the new girl to make a point. Impose her will and her dominance. This is the reason they tell people not to meet their heroes. I wish I was capable of caring so little about everyone else in this company that I could approach matches the way you do. But I care about a lot of people way more than I care about myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I make so many mistakes I’ve lost count. But I have more heart than you ever will. I wish I could still believe that the Zoe I admired before I made it to SCW was the one that existed now, but I don’t know if you even love this business anymore. You just love the status and the money.
Jordan smirks and shakes her head. A laugh escaping her.
People like you and Sienna, you’ll never stop backing your way into title opportunities with one big win ever so often. But there’s a reason your wins will always be so loathed while the people with so much passion are loved and celebrated. For us this week, there’s nothing on the line. I have everything to gain with a notch in my belt that says I beat Syren. What do you have to gain? Is there anything left that you really care about other than seeing your name in gold? I highly doubt it. So allow me to humble you. Maybe you don’t still see me the way you so prominently did back in November, but I haven’t forgotten that. Sure, Sienna is coming up soon, but I love a match against the big names of the past and present. I love to be tested. Just ask my friend David Helms. I know you know him well.
Jordan turns her head slightly and winks into the camera and then giggles.
Sorry, Dave. But listen to me Syren. This match probably means a lot more to me than it does to you. Maybe that should scare you. You’re out here trying to establish yourself again and get back to proving that Syren belongs at the top. I’m still making my way, I know, but I’m rising pretty damn quickly. I’m tired of just meeting my heroes from the past. For me? Now it’s about beating them. That’s what happens this week on Breakdown, Zoe. We step in that ring and I right the wrongs from November when I was still fighting like a little girl trying to make her way. This time I beat you. This time you find out what it means when I tell someone that Jordan Majors is money. For so long I looked at the posters of the “stars” on my wall and imagined what it would be like to meet them. Then I dreamed about competing alongside them. Now I only think about beating them. This week will just be another dream realized for me. You can take that to bank, baby.
Jordan blows a kiss to the camera and then winks before leaning forward even more. She smiles wide one last time as the video comes to a sudden end.
Everything You Wish You Could Be 